Feelers In An Thinker's World

Our culture loves intellect

And hates emotions.

It values thoughts over feelings.

People who are thinkers are valued over people who are feelers.

Our culture is obsessed with information. With looking outside of ourselves to try to understand how we feel about a situation, or how to navigate the world around us.

Information is easy to obtain, easy to control and easy alter. Same with the mind, it's very easily swayed one way or the other.

But Our minds don’t always recognize our truths. Our minds are WAY more concerned with safety and survival then it is with fulfillment, ecstasy, or personal growth.

So what about our emotional intelligence, or our intuition?

We’re taught from a young age to override our emotional responses and replace it with rational thinking. We’re conditioned to mistrust what we don’t understand with our minds. “Why are you crying?! I don’t know why you’re crying! Stop crying!” Sound familiar?! We DONT understand much about emotions. True. The science is only now catching up with us. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t trust those parts of ourselves just because our human nature is so highly intelligent, the technology to study it doesn't yet exist!

For the majority of my life, I’ve felt like there was something very wrong with me. I’m not an intellectual person in the typical sense. I struggled with school as a kid and an adult. I’ve always struggled with mental focus. I struggle with remembering things. I struggle with problem solving, and decision making. Sometimes I even struggle with common sense (I’ll own that).

Being a “dumb” person (which is how I used to referred to myself when I was younger) causes me extreme anxiety in my relationships to myself and with others. I get very defensive when I feel confused or unsure or indecisive. It goes beyond just embarrassment for me. When someone corrects me or calls me out, I go into a complete freeze response and the anxiety sky rockets! I'm taken right back to my school days, being unable to answer questions aloud in class because my face was the colour of a tomato, my voice would freeze and kids would laugh at me.

Can you believe that at one point I used to be of the opinion that I was too “dumb” for college!! My teachers, bless their hearts, were no doubt exhausted after countless hours of trying to catch me up after school, and during summer breaks. My average grades were the result of me working tirelessly for hours longer then the average student.

BUT

What I am is a feeler and a healer!! But that was never validated. Never celebrated. Never acknowledged as anything valuable. So I molded into something more “suitable”. I became a “functioning member of society”. I went against my very nature as a feeler. I shoved it down. I told myself it wasn’t valuable. I told myself It didn’t belong. All that mattered was my brain, my thoughts and my intellect. So that’s what I chose to nurture. And I DID go places with it, yes. Only because I’m stubborn at shit! I graduated college, became a registered massage therapist, had a successful career that I enjoyed and that gave me some independence and freedom. I was able to hide my intuitive skills by behind a science based credential that people felt comfortable with. In retrospect, I have much gratitude for that career in massage therapy because I WAS able to nurture my intuitive skills safely within that container! After I completed my RMT diploma, I felt celebrated and respected, that people were proud of me for my intellectual accomplishments. In fact, I think many of them were surprised at my accomplishments lol. At that time in my life I felt very happy and proud of myself too for doing the “smart thing” with my life. All these smart choices I had made. I was playing along and I was winning at life. All the while, I was reinforcing the belief that my true self wasn't valuable nor belonged. which lead to me always feeling out of place in this world where intellect reins supreme.

Eventually

A deep unsettling started stirring within me. There was things I yearned for that did not fit the social constructs or the constructs of my career. This yearning was the deeper parts of myself being called home in a bigger way. Parts of myself were screaming for attention and nurturing. I developed anxiety disorder right around the time this calling-home started, and I buried myself in distractions and a busy schedule in attempt to suppress it all.

The whispers started small, but grew louder and bigger in time. At first I didn’t want to eat a restrictive diet anymore. I didn’t want to do intense exercises anymore. To wanting to practice energy work on my massage clients. Then bigger to not wanting to give birth in the hospital. I no longer wanted to vaccinate my babies. I wanted to tandem breastfeed. I wanted to parent in a new way. I wanted to have orgasms that blasted me into other realms. I wanted to love my body in her natural form. I wanted to say the word “fuck” at will. I wanted short hair on my head and long hair on my pussy. I wanted to grow and raise my own food. I wanted REST. I wanted radical self love. I wanted to live a more authentic life for me. All of which looks very different than the social norms. I wanted so many things and people around me were saying, “that's gross Elly”, “that’s dangerous Elly”, “thats not a good idea Elly” “that looks very hard Elly” “that’s not smart Elly”. And they weren't wrong in many ways!! But now I’m living from my intuition and my heart, so I’m NOT making decisions based on my brain solely anymore. Nor am I making decisions to appease others or the social norms. This will scare people and make them uncomfortable for all kinds of reasons but those reasons are theirs, and theirs alone. I have freed myself of the responsibility for their reactions. Their fear no longer effects me or my decisions. And there are more things I want still! I want to homeschool my kids! I want to be a thriving entrepreneur! I want my sex life to be my spiritual practice! I want to be so damn firm in my convictions, no hater will ever shake my confidence. I’ll be solid as a rock!

So little by little I have cultivated a life that’s authentic to me. Little by little I have torn down the walls of social constructs that caged me. Each time I tear one down, it’s painful and hard and confronting. Often resulting in anxiety attacks or bouts of depression! I will loose friends and family who are uncomfortable with my life. There will be clients who will decline working with me because of my decisions. Actually, now there are businesses who will deny me access because of the decisions I have made. And I can hear the voices now:, “is it really worth all THAT?! Is being authentically ‘you’ really worth all this stress, anxiety, and pain and rejection? You life was good before. Do you really need to have your cake and eat it too? Aren’t you being a little greedy?”

Answer: What’s on the other side is WORTH IT!!!!!! It’s my TRUTH. It’s my ACTUAL SELF! My real life lives there! My real personal power! My magic!! Guess what else, life gets really easy when you stop resisting your truth! I’m doing things with my life now I NEVER thought in my wildest dreams I would do!! I’m having the most beautiful, heart blasting conversations with people I never thought I would!!! I love my life so deeply now, Gratitude drops my to my knees!!! My old life had hit a ceiling, and if I was going to up level myself, then I’d have to smash the ceiling and blast off into the unknown!! That’s exactly what it feels like! The unknown can be scary, absolutely. But every time I land on a new place, I realize, this is yet another home of mine, another piece of myself rediscovered!!! I’m brought to tears with gratitude and relief to be reunited with another lost piece of myself!! SO. FUCKING. WORTH. IT. The farther I fly away from that busted ceiling, the less fear I have, the more confidence I feel, and the more complete I become as a woman. Also the farther away I fly, I can look back and clearly see how that ceiling was such a tiny cage!!!! I’m no longer a people-pleasing door mat. I’m no longer living a life based on only one part of myself. I am living WHOLLY of myself. I am in my power!! I am making magic in the world!!! This is authentic living!!!! This Is the REAL FREEDOM!!

Each time I ask myself a hard question or face a challenging moment, or I need to make a decision or navigate this crazy dumpster-fire-world we find ourselves in… I don’t “think about it” anymore. Because I know the answers that lie there are someone’s else words. Instead I pause, I sit still in nature and listen to my body, my emotions and my intuition and get my answers there. Because that’s my place of truth. It never steers me wrong. It never lies. It never wavers. It never changes. I can 100% trust it. The beautiful and loving life that I've cultivated is all the proof I need! I CAN lean into and follow my Wild intuition, my Wild Truth and my Wild Authenticity. Therefor I Must.

Keep Wildly Loving Yourself,

Elly